A Word Sent Back

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Dear Friend

Well here we are again, enjoying the last few days of February, waiting to see how March bursts upon us, will it be the proverbial in like a lion 🦁 out like a lamb 🐑 or the other way round (English saying thought to be around 17th C )(I hasten to add there are many claims to saying I just picked on the one below)

Who first said: “March comes in like a lion”?

“March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb” is an English proverb of unknown origin. It is first alluded to in print in A Wife for a Month, written in 1624 by John Fletcher (1579-1625),

Sorry just went a little off topic then, but that’s the kind of message I would send to myself. Ok here goes nudge me if I start to drift a little

Hey Young Me , it’s you older a little wiser and yes a lot bigger. I know, I look like Granny, but is that such a bad thing she was a beautiful soul, well, still is to you, cherish her and the few loved ones we have, plus you will never make her love you so don’t lose sleep or shed tears over that person 🆗. Actually please don’t chase love Ever.

I have to tell you reach out and grasp any learning you can, I know college is unavailable at the moment, but as soon as you have money spare, learn. What about? Everything, anything, take every opportunity you can and be happy don’t allow anyone to dim your light.💡. You are clever, and pretty and those awful things that happened were not your fault. Don’t waste your life looking for love it will find you and don’t let anyone ever hurt you again. Think if I made it without this advice think how high you can fly knowing this.

Allow no one to make you cry in pain or shame you don’t deserve that life. Please take this final advice. With all my heart.

So there you have it my friend the advice sent back to my teenage self, if only it was possible, but we are here to learn . No one ever said life was easy

Keep smiling 😊

Kim-Louise

All the things I wish I had thought of saying, but feel.

A Pain in the . . . .

What do you complain about the most?

Dear Readers

How are you all? I’m a little windswept from last week. I didn’t go out much but when I did wow, good job I didn’t use crutches 🩼 I would have been down, and out for the count. Or come to think about it, I like to wear wigs so I can have a different look, now that would have been embarrassing as a large black guinea pig left my head and flew away. Well what else would it look like?

So what do I complain about the most, my head ! Oy you I said head not face

I suffer with Migraines and there is a difference between headache and Migraine I have had a headache every day for over 15 yrs which is fine, ish, because it has been there so long I have been able to dull it down.

But the Migraines are just a complete halt in the game of life for me. This is what I complain about so often.

Yes I moan about disability

Yes I complain about the weather (it’s a British thing)

Yes I complain about 10% of my life but of that 7% is about Migraines.

I have a specific type of migraine called Hemiplegic Migraine, this can mimic a stroke so care has to be taken that paramedics and people you are with are aware of this.

I guess I complain because I can

Does it make things better, well depends really, I feel less stressed by venting, probably not the right way to go but it works for me for now. Most of the time I’m complaining to the stuffed animal on the bed so no harm done…

Put a smile on your face & kind words on your lips,

watch the world change everywhere that you go.

As you walk and talk then smile around

You teach others that smiling is better than wearing a frown

Kim Louise

Have a wonderful week my Unique beings

With Love ❤️ from the Heart

& Joy from soul

Till the next time

Kim Louise

Simply Life

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

I’m here again as you can probably see, and this is part of my putting off doing issue I have.

Because of the amount of things that need to be done at home, reorganising, de cluttering, decorating, literally could do with a Stacey Solomon approach to it. Um, well not that radical but you get the idea. I have issues with mobility and because I cannot do these jobs some on my own, some at all, it affects my mental health to be surrounded by what I class as a mountain, a lifetime of who knows what!! . I have PTSD so this utter chaos affects me negatively. It’s a vicious circle ⭕️ if it was sorted and looked tidy, I could cope and feel happier and then be doing what I truly dearly want to do.

Now I could sit and sort some paperwork out, but I have nowhere to put it till I sort the cubes out and my desk is covered in anything and everything. I look at it and I look the other way, or go to bed because it’s more comfortable so I tell myself.

My one daughter who I add has four young children finds time to come and help when she can , I just keep remembering when I could do everything that needs doing and it would have all got done but then it wouldn’t be in the state it’s in now.

So there is the start of my problem that Leeds me neatly on to …..

I have been putting off Writing and Artwork for fear of success, I have two books half done , a new one I started. Poems in the hundreds all to be sorted some to be typed up. Even writing on my website or on here throws me at times. so by having my house a mess, untidy, I can’t think or concentrate derailing myself time and time again.

This daily prompt I was using as a letter to friends as in my head that’s what readers become, but then I think ooh that’s opinionated of me. DUH Kim this is what it’s about , opinions and thoughts as we are all different, although surprisingly on some subjects it seems a vast majority think the same.

I need to stop procrastinating and find some help, I need two rooms done by Christmas 🎄. This is not a want this is a need

I need to get my head straight and start writing and painting asap …..

I need to start enjoying and embracing this life, what’s done is done so time to stop putting things off….

Keep Smiling My Friends

It’s hard I know, but it makes this world a nicer place

Kim

Man Is The Most Extraordinary Computer of All

Your life without a computer: what does it look like?

My Dearest Friend

Oh life was so much fun before the complexities of the computer. I remember a time when there was no PC 🖥️, laptop 💻 or device with computer abilities that beckoned you, calling with an almost silent humming like a siren to mesmerise one for hours.

A PC 🖥️ was to make life easier yet it has made us slaves to its technology, and our intelligence has changed, research is a flick of the button not books and libraries and actually doing the legwork that used to be done.

There is of course some good from computers as it can bring communities together and people have been able to access online courses cheaper than the distance learning used to be.

But to go back to todays prompt life today without a computer, what does it look like? For me it looks like bliss, I don’t need the social media and without a PC I would probably get more done. In all honesty it’s the internet I would be happier to lose and have a pc 🖥️ for word processing, I also would love to lose the mobile phone or just have a phone not a smartphone because it is addictive and dulls the intellect. I believe we are becoming antisocial, rude and almost hermits bent double over the ruler of our lives technology

Keep Smiling

Speak soon

Kim

The Evening of a Dis-Abled Diva

What are you doing this evening?

Hello again, I hope you all are well? Isn’t time passing quickly? No, you are correct it is travelling at the same speed it always has 60 seconds = 1 minute, etc maybe it’s just the nights are drawing in, therefore the evenings now are darker quicker and thoughts are turning to autumn, hot chocolate and toasted sandwiches. But for now

What will I be be doing this evening, well I shall probably fall asleep about 5pm because that’s what my condition does to me only for about an hour then the dogs will wake me to be fed. Stagger to the kitchen feed them, look at the fridge and realise I don’t have the energy to feed myself, shuffle back to the front room sit back down and do some writing, watch TV for a short while. The little dog barks at the tv non stop. It will only just after 9pm 🕘 and I will do what I always do give up on the tv and go to bed so I can read my book in peace. I always have that choice writing , tv or reading occasionally I might listen to music 🎶 but tonight I would like to finish my book

It might seem a little boring even mundane but it suits me and is much better than being married to an abusive man and every evening living in fear sat on the edge of the chair waiting. That has gone in the past thank goodness now I do as I want.

My nest is empty, children grown. Time for me at last

Bye for now

Kim

In the morning there is meaning, in the evening there is feeling. …

To Meditate or Not

How do you relax?

On this very warm sunny 🌞 day, and I will add extremely an un-British heat. I am sat with two drowsy dogs and all I can hear is the clocks ticking, I would love to say this is relaxing. But it’s not.

I’m not entirely sure what state the body and mind have to be at, to class yourself relaxed. I used to know, when you could lie back, take a deep breath and chill, kids could shout phone rings, dog gets in the flower bed didn’t bother me now that was relaxed I believe.

These days, oh dear, I’m like Frank Spencer for those old enough to remember him, I can be be just starting to just chill 😎 in my chair and the dog suddenly gets up to go out, I’m like ooh nee ahh 😱 yes mmm ok the dog is used to it, The one looks at me and rolls it’s eyes 👀, all I’m doing is going for a wee you can hear her say in its doggy way.

PTSD seems to take away my ability to relax to fully chill. So to the question what do I do to relax I try

Meditation- love this must remember to shut the German Shepherd out next time. 9 months old full of bounce and does not understand eyes closed sitting still does not mean jump on me

Television – mind numbing in general but I have watched some feel good films recently and a few documentaries that’s when maybe I start to relax a little

I guess the less I think about it the easier it is to do unless it’s crazy warm like today, and I know it’s a lot warmer around the world, please be gentle we Brits are used to paddling in an inch of water or just have duhhh weather (which is a combination of grey sky cardigans on or off just can’t tell but it’s going to rain at some point) No wonder we struggle to relax even our weather can’t relax

I am just hanging around, chilling

Past, Future, No Present

What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

I wasn’t going to bother today because I am so surprised at myself at the traditions that have gone just within my family.

I used to think it was important to keep birthdays and Christmas traditions because that was how I had been brought up. Then when I married it’s like two worlds collided, not everyone is lucky enough to have the perfect partner that just either goes with the flow or maybe was bought up the same way. Slowly over the years our Christmas traditions altered because it was difficult finding a balance and after 10yrs our mis communication or maybe non communication bought to an end that marriage. Traditions re birthdays changed, even as far as buying school uniform and shoes it felt like I was sticking two fingers up at my step-dad who raised me but life itself was causing these changes.

Then I made the foolish move of marrying an Arse-hole, now if you are of a delicate nature I am sorry. This husband was , well , um. He didn’t like anything I may have ever done in the past with my children, my family etc , so all traditions died.

I did try to resurrect some when we escaped the madman but it was wrong the past had chewed it up and spat it out , I was ill and we had to create something new. Sadly nothing we did survived that I am aware of

All my children are adults and are busy creating new traditions with their partners and children. At least I have given then the desire to create something from the tatters of my crappy past .

I do think back sometimes and realise it was all a farce just painted smiles and meaningless gestures acted out year after year . Christmas the decorations went up and they were just covering gaps in what appeared to be a wonderful family but I know my childhood was anything but wonderful. I think maybe that is why traditions I was happy to let go of so easily

Don’t do what I did

I just could not stand the thought of another raised voice, a painful moment, not being able to do the things that I loved. Always feeling judged, lonely, and unloved, no make that unlovable. It took a lifetime to tip me over the edge, but I slid into a spiral. I felt like was sliding and spinning out of control, my actions were not me but I just wanted to sleep, FOREVER

The safety net that I carefully had built to protect myself from harm, disappeared that day, non-contactable. No one was to blame but my own Mental State, I looked at the tablets and they just seemed to fall into my hands and I didn’t care about anything. The only thing that mattered to me was to take as many tablets as I could before I fell asleep and then I would be at peace.

In my sleepy stupor, I sent 3 text messages saying I love you, take care. One person realised it was out of character and rang me, my best friend, she had been out that day and missed my call but just received my text. She played Guardian Angel that day, calling an ambulance and rallying troops. I admit I was not grateful because I wanted to die, to sleep eternally. I was angry. How dare these people interfere with my wishes, they don’t know what has happened to me in my life.

Ok, so I am thoughtless, uncaring and selfish. I am weak, ungrateful and irresponsible. How dare I try to end a life that is so precious when people are trying to dearly hang on to theirs. I agree but you see this is where Mental Health issues kick in, I didn’t do this to come back on a cry for help, nor for a pity party. I am so tired of living in a body that does not function properly and a mind that is still troubled with PTSD all through domestic violence. I am not me anymore, I cannot do what I used to do and I am 57 not in my 80s yet. I have been like this since 2009, I probably have been in this spiral for a long time it just took a disagreement with one of my adult children and I hit rock bottom, and I lost sight of my light.

Now the aftermath of this is obvious, I am here unless I am a Ghost Writing this. got to get a smile into the gloom. I know I was in a bad way one of my daughters was with me and she said I was rushed into the resuscitation room and she was ushered into the family room with her friend. Quite matter of fact she informs me that is when the world stopped, for half an hour her head didn’t think straight, her stomach churned and she thought of her children. what would she say to them and time slowed to almost nothing. This didn’t affect me, strange because I love my children and grandchildren, but I had no emotions.

That afternoon and evening whilst the nurses and doctors fought to save me, something died in me, and what rose from the ashes of the thorns that had surrounded me for so long was a new understanding of the darkness that lives inside of us all. I never would have thought that I would ever have done something so awful as that when actually, my life was not even my own, pain controlled me, and memories stopped me from living my life. I had spent my life feeling unloved, no unloveable, where actually it was my fault because I did not love myself.

How the hell could I love myself when I never remember my mother saying a nice thing to me. Now I feel sad that I took that overdose, I feel for anyone that feels the need to reach for an ending to life, it’s not the answer honestly.

I kept being asked, “Did you mean to do it?” “Yes” is the answer

“Was it a cry for help “No” is the answer

“are you going to do it again” ” I can honestly say NO because it is, not my time yet”

From now on Domestic Violence, PTSD and disability and now the Suicide attempt are there as mountains I have overcome and this last experience I am still recovering from it. I just want to say don’t ever feel alone build a net make it strong if things are bad there are always people to ring or contact on the internet. I couldn’t list all that’s available just in the UK so just the NHS guidelines of where to go and the Samaritans are below. A search on the internet and you will find the relevant helplines for your areas and country.

Now I am the creator of a Bucket of Smiles and that is my theme from now on I want, no I will be making buckets of smiles every day to send out to share, look out for updates

Kim Louise is back and no longer wearing a crown of thorns that was placed on me as a child, and that has grown with me all my life, now the thorns have turned to dust and a beautiful wreath of smiling pansies and rosebuds encircles my head and a true smile I can wear, because let the haters hate be they Family, Friends or Joe & Karen Public. I have spent my life doing what has been expected of me, yes sir, no ma’am, always happy to help. when I became disabled suddenly, I was no longer useful, I couldn’t give lifts (couldn’t drive), couldn’t bake cakes, way too ill. the list went on. Now I am only going to do what gives me pleasure in life and what is good for me. Not on a selfish note just a self-preservation for my mental health. If I can help you I will, If I can say anything that might help I will, but no longer can I continue to be knocked down for other people’s fun.

Sending Smiles to you all

Kim Louise

Help in the UK

Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/