Wrong Question

What sacrifices have you made in life?

Hello to one or more of you that are kind enough to drop by to read the insane ramblings from a over active mind.

Well I was purusing my messages earlier and up popped this prompt about what sacrifices have I made in life. At first I was tempted to just leave it, but it kept pulling me back. So I thought it’s my mind, and it wants to have its say. I can’t help the way it will read or what people might say.

Sometimes just sometimes, we all need to be recognised for what we have done or not done for someone else.

Now my gears are running let’s go

I have sacrificed more than I can explain in a single piece of writing (most people would be asleep with boredom after the first 15 minutes) hence. That is why I am attempting to write my book. Anyways I digress;

From the Cambridge Dictionary

Sacrifice

to give up something that is valuable to you in order to helpanother person:

sacrifice something for something Many women sacrifice interesting careers for their families

I have sacrificed my everything, home, health, future and happiness to protect and love people who have no idea the true horrors of a domestic violence relationship and what you go through for your children. After all it’s so true no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Must go speak soon

From the lady in the chair (wheelchair)

Kim-Louise

My Dad

Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

Hello Friend,

I felt the need to return and tell you about this man who made such a huge positive impact on my life, that sadly no man could compare to him.

My Dad, yes I know it’s easy to say ‘your dad’, please note I said Dad with pride. I did not say father. Any man can father a child in the biological sense (if able to do so medically) not all can be a Dad.

My Dad took my sister and I on when he married my mother, they went on and had a son. Dad was amazing he cared for us all even when mum left after some pretty awful things happened. Not once did he tell her to take her kids or turn on us, he provided a home, clothes, a good life.

Without this wonderful man and his love I wonder where I would be. Life has never been easy like so many of you, at least I can say my childhood and younger adulthood was amazing my children got to know their Grandad at the farm and love him almost as much as I did.

Through the curse of domestic abuse because my girls were scared and my injuries were causing my health to fail the police and social services deemed it right for us to be punished not the bully so we were uprooted from all my girls had ever known, me from friends, family and into a strange new town , by now I could no longer drive so we were stranded. So with being moved 3 times for protection, and not being allowed to contact family because one member was friends with the abuser I never got to see my Dad for the last 15yrs of his life.

I guess I had to grieve for him way before he passed away, because I had already lost him. When he died two years ago I wasn’t told , now that might seem a slightly strange comment, I assure you when people say walls have ears, and don’t trust anyone, believe them.

You may be thinking, well you were moved, no one knew where you were, wrong. my ex had found my address a few years ago but thank goodness the police had given him a warning , plus the children are adults now. Also one of my older children is in contact with a cousin who told her when Grandad, My Dad died, but she was not to tell me. That hurt so deeply. Like all things hidden they have a way of surfacing and so did my Dad’s details, the internet 🛜 keeps us informed of many things and I have always kept up with local news from my home area. When I saw Dads name I was frozen. I never got the chance to see him, but I dam well managed to go back and say my final goodbye

I have never found another man with his morals, integrity, honesty and pure loving kindness. Yes he was a religious man as in church on Sunday but that gave us a code of morals to be guided by. I know my life has been less than perfect and it grieves me but it had nothing to do with the way My Dad brought me up that was down to my poor lack of judgement and no maternal input whatsoever

Sorry for rambling on

Take care and bye for now

Oh Dear Me No

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

Hello my friend,

It’s so good to have caught you at this busy time of year, thank you for sparing the time to stop bye and have a chat with me.

Now a year ago I’m not saying life was perfect but it was a make do Christmas because my housing association had told me to start packing as I could expect to be moved to a suitable accommodation anytime.

I am at a disadvantage in some ways people, let me explain, I can’t walk far, from my front door to the drive and into the car is probably my limit with crutches then it’s wheelchair. My home is not suitable for a wheelchair so hence the reason for the move.

So this time last year at 57 years old I had my first make do Christmas tree and none of the usual decorations out plus half of my sitting room was filled with packed boxes. It really was a mess. My actual feelings were I can’t wait for next year everything sorted and everything in its place .

Oh be careful wishing time away or expecting things to change in a particular given way sometimes raising expectations too high means when they fall they shatter.

So here I am, 2024 December, same home. Oh don’t get me wrong I feel safe here , my housing kept putting obstacles in the way of me moving. Which was silly as I was offering to go into a smaller property. Now I am stopping here, work will start in 2025 to make it suitable for my needs.

Because of my limited capabilities I am still struggling to get the house tidy the way I want it. My children have their own lives and families and I pray they never experience the sheer soul crushing loneliness I am experiencing. I have asked them for help but that was a drop in the ocean. Next I paid for help but it got to a point I couldn’t afford that anymore, my neighbour and good friend helped as much as possible but it is not finished.

I still think that the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one… That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

Mother Teresa

I never thought I would be ignoring Christmas , no tree, decorations, or any celebrations, the reason is not just I feel my home is a trash heap, I think there is a list of factors –

The proposed move that didn’t/wasn’t
Cost of living is overwhelming me
Sheer loneliness
Worn down by life and getting knocked back each and every turn
Feeling let down by life and those I love( there is a whole story to the love saga but not today)
Inability to complete basic tasks on my own due to non-ability caused by domestic violence some time ago has worn me down

To reiterate, no my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, I will add not through the lack of trying

This year I have cancelled Christmas, I can’t afford it, I don’t want to sit alone with a Christmas tree in an untidy room, in a messy house. It makes it lonelier.

I definitely am not living my life how I pictured I would be this time last year

Before I sign off I have to say this is not a pity party. This is how many people have felt for years I expect. I just felt at 58 I was too young to feel so dejected, rejected, and disconnected from my family and life in general. I was the Christmas Spirit, the one that decorated, wrapped, sparkled and shone but I guess the cost of living has pulled the plug 🔌 and my lights have gone out

BUT

Bye for now my friend

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

A Word Sent Back

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Dear Friend

Well here we are again, enjoying the last few days of February, waiting to see how March bursts upon us, will it be the proverbial in like a lion 🦁 out like a lamb 🐑 or the other way round (English saying thought to be around 17th C )(I hasten to add there are many claims to saying I just picked on the one below)

Who first said: “March comes in like a lion”?

“March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb” is an English proverb of unknown origin. It is first alluded to in print in A Wife for a Month, written in 1624 by John Fletcher (1579-1625),

Sorry just went a little off topic then, but that’s the kind of message I would send to myself. Ok here goes nudge me if I start to drift a little

Hey Young Me , it’s you older a little wiser and yes a lot bigger. I know, I look like Granny, but is that such a bad thing she was a beautiful soul, well, still is to you, cherish her and the few loved ones we have, plus you will never make her love you so don’t lose sleep or shed tears over that person 🆗. Actually please don’t chase love Ever.

I have to tell you reach out and grasp any learning you can, I know college is unavailable at the moment, but as soon as you have money spare, learn. What about? Everything, anything, take every opportunity you can and be happy don’t allow anyone to dim your light.💡. You are clever, and pretty and those awful things that happened were not your fault. Don’t waste your life looking for love it will find you and don’t let anyone ever hurt you again. Think if I made it without this advice think how high you can fly knowing this.

Allow no one to make you cry in pain or shame you don’t deserve that life. Please take this final advice. With all my heart.

So there you have it my friend the advice sent back to my teenage self, if only it was possible, but we are here to learn . No one ever said life was easy

Keep smiling 😊

Kim-Louise

All the things I wish I had thought of saying, but feel.

Don’t do what I did

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I just could not stand the thought of another raised voice, a painful moment, not being able to do the things that I loved. Always feeling judged, lonely, and unloved, no make that unlovable. It took a lifetime to tip me over the edge, but I slid into a spiral. I felt like was sliding and spinning out of control, my actions were not me but I just wanted to sleep, FOREVER

The safety net that I carefully had built to protect myself from harm, disappeared that day, non-contactable. No one was to blame but my own Mental State, I looked at the tablets and they just seemed to fall into my hands and I didn’t care about anything. The only thing that mattered to me was to take as many tablets as I could before I fell asleep and then I would be at peace.

In my sleepy stupor, I sent 3 text messages saying I love you, take care. One person realised it was out of character and rang me, my best friend, she had been out that day and missed my call but just received my text. She played Guardian Angel that day, calling an ambulance and rallying troops. I admit I was not grateful because I wanted to die, to sleep eternally. I was angry. How dare these people interfere with my wishes, they don’t know what has happened to me in my life.

Ok, so I am thoughtless, uncaring and selfish. I am weak, ungrateful and irresponsible. How dare I try to end a life that is so precious when people are trying to dearly hang on to theirs. I agree but you see this is where Mental Health issues kick in, I didn’t do this to come back on a cry for help, nor for a pity party. I am so tired of living in a body that does not function properly and a mind that is still troubled with PTSD all through domestic violence. I am not me anymore, I cannot do what I used to do and I am 57 not in my 80s yet. I have been like this since 2009, I probably have been in this spiral for a long time it just took a disagreement with one of my adult children and I hit rock bottom, and I lost sight of my light.

Now the aftermath of this is obvious, I am here unless I am a Ghost Writing this. got to get a smile into the gloom. I know I was in a bad way one of my daughters was with me and she said I was rushed into the resuscitation room and she was ushered into the family room with her friend. Quite matter of fact she informs me that is when the world stopped, for half an hour her head didn’t think straight, her stomach churned and she thought of her children. what would she say to them and time slowed to almost nothing. This didn’t affect me, strange because I love my children and grandchildren, but I had no emotions.

That afternoon and evening whilst the nurses and doctors fought to save me, something died in me, and what rose from the ashes of the thorns that had surrounded me for so long was a new understanding of the darkness that lives inside of us all. I never would have thought that I would ever have done something so awful as that when actually, my life was not even my own, pain controlled me, and memories stopped me from living my life. I had spent my life feeling unloved, no unloveable, where actually it was my fault because I did not love myself.

How the hell could I love myself when I never remember my mother saying a nice thing to me. Now I feel sad that I took that overdose, I feel for anyone that feels the need to reach for an ending to life, it’s not the answer honestly.

I kept being asked, “Did you mean to do it?” “Yes” is the answer

“Was it a cry for help “No” is the answer

“are you going to do it again” ” I can honestly say NO because it is, not my time yet”

From now on Domestic Violence, PTSD and disability and now the Suicide attempt are there as mountains I have overcome and this last experience I am still recovering from it. I just want to say don’t ever feel alone build a net make it strong if things are bad there are always people to ring or contact on the internet. I couldn’t list all that’s available just in the UK so just the NHS guidelines of where to go and the Samaritans are below. A search on the internet and you will find the relevant helplines for your areas and country.

Now I am the creator of a Bucket of Smiles and that is my theme from now on I want, no I will be making buckets of smiles every day to send out to share, look out for updates

Kim Louise is back and no longer wearing a crown of thorns that was placed on me as a child, and that has grown with me all my life, now the thorns have turned to dust and a beautiful wreath of smiling pansies and rosebuds encircles my head and a true smile I can wear, because let the haters hate be they Family, Friends or Joe & Karen Public. I have spent my life doing what has been expected of me, yes sir, no ma’am, always happy to help. when I became disabled suddenly, I was no longer useful, I couldn’t give lifts (couldn’t drive), couldn’t bake cakes, way too ill. the list went on. Now I am only going to do what gives me pleasure in life and what is good for me. Not on a selfish note just a self-preservation for my mental health. If I can help you I will, If I can say anything that might help I will, but no longer can I continue to be knocked down for other people’s fun.

Sending Smiles to you all

Kim Louise

Help in the UK

Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

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I am but one voice

So staring at this blank screen is like staring at my life,

The past once so full and rich has gone, cut off with a knife.

A Metaphor you’re thinking for something I have lost,

No, my dear, I can answer, a knife, a boot, but a fist the most.

I am now invisable, a remnant of myself,

left broken and alone gathering dust upon a shelf.

Domestic Violence is a crime and should be punished I agree,

But with PTSD and left disabled, alone in another town why should it be me?

Bitterness has turned to please Karma where have you gone?

Have you abandoned me also? I have been alone for, oh, so very long.

Or do I not exist, from the time he walked out the door?

I want to be seen, my story told, no longer invisible, it’s time now to be bold.

Take a stand, well a wheelchair for me, Abuse and Violence needs to stop NOW.

I am but one voice lost , my children and I were moved safely somehow.

We are lucky, some are not, I am not complaining , I’m alive.

Its heartbreaking to think of those that don’t survive.

So if you have been affected, or feel the pain in some way

Don’t you think its time we stood together united have our say.

Man or woman it matters not bullying should be no more

Life should be for love and laughter, show hatred out, shut the door.

Kim Louise 2021