Oh Dear Me No

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

Hello my friend,

It’s so good to have caught you at this busy time of year, thank you for sparing the time to stop bye and have a chat with me.

Now a year ago I’m not saying life was perfect but it was a make do Christmas because my housing association had told me to start packing as I could expect to be moved to a suitable accommodation anytime.

I am at a disadvantage in some ways people, let me explain, I can’t walk far, from my front door to the drive and into the car is probably my limit with crutches then it’s wheelchair. My home is not suitable for a wheelchair so hence the reason for the move.

So this time last year at 57 years old I had my first make do Christmas tree and none of the usual decorations out plus half of my sitting room was filled with packed boxes. It really was a mess. My actual feelings were I can’t wait for next year everything sorted and everything in its place .

Oh be careful wishing time away or expecting things to change in a particular given way sometimes raising expectations too high means when they fall they shatter.

So here I am, 2024 December, same home. Oh don’t get me wrong I feel safe here , my housing kept putting obstacles in the way of me moving. Which was silly as I was offering to go into a smaller property. Now I am stopping here, work will start in 2025 to make it suitable for my needs.

Because of my limited capabilities I am still struggling to get the house tidy the way I want it. My children have their own lives and families and I pray they never experience the sheer soul crushing loneliness I am experiencing. I have asked them for help but that was a drop in the ocean. Next I paid for help but it got to a point I couldn’t afford that anymore, my neighbour and good friend helped as much as possible but it is not finished.

I still think that the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one… That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

Mother Teresa

I never thought I would be ignoring Christmas , no tree, decorations, or any celebrations, the reason is not just I feel my home is a trash heap, I think there is a list of factors –

The proposed move that didn’t/wasn’t
Cost of living is overwhelming me
Sheer loneliness
Worn down by life and getting knocked back each and every turn
Feeling let down by life and those I love( there is a whole story to the love saga but not today)
Inability to complete basic tasks on my own due to non-ability caused by domestic violence some time ago has worn me down

To reiterate, no my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, I will add not through the lack of trying

This year I have cancelled Christmas, I can’t afford it, I don’t want to sit alone with a Christmas tree in an untidy room, in a messy house. It makes it lonelier.

I definitely am not living my life how I pictured I would be this time last year

Before I sign off I have to say this is not a pity party. This is how many people have felt for years I expect. I just felt at 58 I was too young to feel so dejected, rejected, and disconnected from my family and life in general. I was the Christmas Spirit, the one that decorated, wrapped, sparkled and shone but I guess the cost of living has pulled the plug 🔌 and my lights have gone out

BUT

Bye for now my friend

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Oh Um That’s A Tough One.

What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Well hello again, how refreshing the topic today is about something I try to love but in all honesty struggle at times. So without further ado let’s just jump into the bouncy castle of flab that is Moi

What is my favourite thing about me? Aha maybe my self deprecating humour, get the jokes in before someone else does.

In truth my favourite part of myself is my eyes when feeling well, they convey so many emotions and messages. My eyes change according to my mood, I have grey eyes which I love and they go from a light grey to dark grey colour but on a normal everyday my eye colour is a slightly lighter than mid grey.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul well mine must be open and readable because I hide nothing. If I am happy my eyes shine and if annoyed I can’t hide it my eyes darken, oh I smile and try to cover it but oh boy if you know me you know to step away from this lady, cause the smile is hiding a deadly spark ⚡️ that the eyes can’t cover for…

The eyes express all the emotions and states of mind and body.
- Eyes soften in love, harden with anger, widen in fear, narrow in suspicion, roll in exasperation, glaze with boredom, and weep in sadness.
- By Anthony Synnott, Ph.D.,

Now this my very tired eye 😴

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guiswite

Smile be happy, sing 🎵 share some joy, look to the stars and remember , this is the reason why, life is fleeting , gone in a flash, one day you have decades then you have none. Don’t take chances thinking you will do it in old age because that’s a maybe not a promise, no one made. so I bid you good evening, afternoon or morning wherever you be, and hope we meet again in my journeys of me 🤭

Kim Louise

Just a little salt

Are you superstitious?

Hello, it’s me again.

Am I superstitious? Good question 🙋‍♀️ firstly what does it mean?

Superstitious describes a belief in chance or magic. If you’re superstitious, you may avoid walking under ladders, spilling salt, or passing black cats — all because you think they will bring you bad luck.

Plenty of people don’t think of themselves as superstitious, yet they may do things like knock on wood or refuse to open an umbrella indoors. Or they believe their team will win if they wear their lucky socks. These actions are all superstitious, demonstrating a belief based on magic or luck rather than on reason

So back to the question am I ?

Simply put and easily understandable YES 👍🏻.. judging by some or the customs I have read

So with this I wish you well and will find out how much of my life was indoctrinated with all the superstitious nonsense that hampers life . Because believe me they do annoy me and it does hamper, my mind automatically remembers things,

Magpies- always say morning magpies’.we just nf

Sending Smiles

Kim-Louise

Welcome to my World

You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?

Welcome to my world, a life filled full of wonder & of awe, stopping the laughter, I look toward my wheelchair and whisper,let’s dispense with further lies.

World of Words

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

Hello my friend,

What a conundrum I have over this question, it reminds me of a poem I wrote sometime ago;

http://www.kimlouisepoems.com/

⬆️to find more of my poetry , granted website in dire need of an upgrade, which is on a list of must dos, somewhere

I am passionate about words, yes even the bad ones (swear and slang). Words are an expression of how we feel. Maybe a person doesn’t use words the way you do, fine, there could be many reasons, from the type of schooling received to area they live, people they mix with. So many factors involved around speech and language, please don’t confuse those two previous factors with actual WORDS.

Words are fascinating and I don’t think any should be banned, there is a rich history behind the words we speak, and shockingly some of the words we classify as awful swear words originated as medical terminology such as it was. I would never ban a word because that means we lose part of our heritage….

Baboonery: foolishness; stupidity; nonsense

Gardyloo: used in medieval Edinburgh as a warning cry when it was customary to throw slops from the windows into the streets

Gadzooks: mild oath

Whippersnapper: a young person considered to be presumptuous or overconfident

Chicken-headed. Ignorant, foolish

Nefarious: Wicked, villainous, despicable.

Just an example of some wonderful words that have or are slowly disappearing from the English Language. People think should, could, would, why and yeah, plus hundreds of slang words should disappear, I don’t agree, words are like pearls the more you learn the more you want to learn. Like Pearls of Wisdom.

I am even pro swear words for the simple reason the history that they carry, some traceable to Egyptian and Sanskrit so thousands of years. Don’t worry I won’t start swearing today , yes I promise.🤞🏻.

People have been swearing since language evolved. This has been checked with those awful things called statistics with evidence suggesting 58% of the population swears “sometimes” or “often” and less than 10% of the population report “never” or “rarely” swearing.

Wow now that’s a good short word so rather than ban a word why not learn a word a day that will give you appreciation for this wonderful world and our beautiful language whatever language that may be 😀

This is from Dictionary.com

WORD OF THE DAY KISMET

kiz-met,
noun
fate; destiny. (Meaning)
First recorded in 1840–50.
Comes from Turkish ultimately from Arabic qisma, qismat-, meaning “division, portion, lot, fate.”
Although a term from Islam, kismet is popularly used to refer to something that one believes was meant to be or the reason why such a thing happened.

EXAMPLES OF KISMET

The unexpected encounter with an old friend at the airport felt like kismet.
As he stood on the stage, delivering his award-winning speech, he couldn’t help but feel that kismet had guided him to this moment.

Well at this point if you have read all this well done. 👏. I hope you understand where my passion is coming from

Words,

Come so easy to me.

I think you understand,

Yes you see.

Expression of words,

Is an art we must keep.

Don’t shut your eyes,

Yes I see ignorance creep..

Kim-Louise 2024

What do I mean – if we don’t learn we can plead we didn’t know, which is pleading ignorance, so don’t lose the elusive words learn a new word a day.

Sorry daily prompt I did the opposite of what you asked

Well I have to go

Sending smiles across the miles

Kim-Louise

Don’t do what I did

I just could not stand the thought of another raised voice, a painful moment, not being able to do the things that I loved. Always feeling judged, lonely, and unloved, no make that unlovable. It took a lifetime to tip me over the edge, but I slid into a spiral. I felt like was sliding and spinning out of control, my actions were not me but I just wanted to sleep, FOREVER

The safety net that I carefully had built to protect myself from harm, disappeared that day, non-contactable. No one was to blame but my own Mental State, I looked at the tablets and they just seemed to fall into my hands and I didn’t care about anything. The only thing that mattered to me was to take as many tablets as I could before I fell asleep and then I would be at peace.

In my sleepy stupor, I sent 3 text messages saying I love you, take care. One person realised it was out of character and rang me, my best friend, she had been out that day and missed my call but just received my text. She played Guardian Angel that day, calling an ambulance and rallying troops. I admit I was not grateful because I wanted to die, to sleep eternally. I was angry. How dare these people interfere with my wishes, they don’t know what has happened to me in my life.

Ok, so I am thoughtless, uncaring and selfish. I am weak, ungrateful and irresponsible. How dare I try to end a life that is so precious when people are trying to dearly hang on to theirs. I agree but you see this is where Mental Health issues kick in, I didn’t do this to come back on a cry for help, nor for a pity party. I am so tired of living in a body that does not function properly and a mind that is still troubled with PTSD all through domestic violence. I am not me anymore, I cannot do what I used to do and I am 57 not in my 80s yet. I have been like this since 2009, I probably have been in this spiral for a long time it just took a disagreement with one of my adult children and I hit rock bottom, and I lost sight of my light.

Now the aftermath of this is obvious, I am here unless I am a Ghost Writing this. got to get a smile into the gloom. I know I was in a bad way one of my daughters was with me and she said I was rushed into the resuscitation room and she was ushered into the family room with her friend. Quite matter of fact she informs me that is when the world stopped, for half an hour her head didn’t think straight, her stomach churned and she thought of her children. what would she say to them and time slowed to almost nothing. This didn’t affect me, strange because I love my children and grandchildren, but I had no emotions.

That afternoon and evening whilst the nurses and doctors fought to save me, something died in me, and what rose from the ashes of the thorns that had surrounded me for so long was a new understanding of the darkness that lives inside of us all. I never would have thought that I would ever have done something so awful as that when actually, my life was not even my own, pain controlled me, and memories stopped me from living my life. I had spent my life feeling unloved, no unloveable, where actually it was my fault because I did not love myself.

How the hell could I love myself when I never remember my mother saying a nice thing to me. Now I feel sad that I took that overdose, I feel for anyone that feels the need to reach for an ending to life, it’s not the answer honestly.

I kept being asked, “Did you mean to do it?” “Yes” is the answer

“Was it a cry for help “No” is the answer

“are you going to do it again” ” I can honestly say NO because it is, not my time yet”

From now on Domestic Violence, PTSD and disability and now the Suicide attempt are there as mountains I have overcome and this last experience I am still recovering from it. I just want to say don’t ever feel alone build a net make it strong if things are bad there are always people to ring or contact on the internet. I couldn’t list all that’s available just in the UK so just the NHS guidelines of where to go and the Samaritans are below. A search on the internet and you will find the relevant helplines for your areas and country.

Now I am the creator of a Bucket of Smiles and that is my theme from now on I want, no I will be making buckets of smiles every day to send out to share, look out for updates

Kim Louise is back and no longer wearing a crown of thorns that was placed on me as a child, and that has grown with me all my life, now the thorns have turned to dust and a beautiful wreath of smiling pansies and rosebuds encircles my head and a true smile I can wear, because let the haters hate be they Family, Friends or Joe & Karen Public. I have spent my life doing what has been expected of me, yes sir, no ma’am, always happy to help. when I became disabled suddenly, I was no longer useful, I couldn’t give lifts (couldn’t drive), couldn’t bake cakes, way too ill. the list went on. Now I am only going to do what gives me pleasure in life and what is good for me. Not on a selfish note just a self-preservation for my mental health. If I can help you I will, If I can say anything that might help I will, but no longer can I continue to be knocked down for other people’s fun.

Sending Smiles to you all

Kim Louise

Help in the UK

Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/