Oh Dear Me No

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

Hello my friend,

It’s so good to have caught you at this busy time of year, thank you for sparing the time to stop bye and have a chat with me.

Now a year ago I’m not saying life was perfect but it was a make do Christmas because my housing association had told me to start packing as I could expect to be moved to a suitable accommodation anytime.

I am at a disadvantage in some ways people, let me explain, I can’t walk far, from my front door to the drive and into the car is probably my limit with crutches then it’s wheelchair. My home is not suitable for a wheelchair so hence the reason for the move.

So this time last year at 57 years old I had my first make do Christmas tree and none of the usual decorations out plus half of my sitting room was filled with packed boxes. It really was a mess. My actual feelings were I can’t wait for next year everything sorted and everything in its place .

Oh be careful wishing time away or expecting things to change in a particular given way sometimes raising expectations too high means when they fall they shatter.

So here I am, 2024 December, same home. Oh don’t get me wrong I feel safe here , my housing kept putting obstacles in the way of me moving. Which was silly as I was offering to go into a smaller property. Now I am stopping here, work will start in 2025 to make it suitable for my needs.

Because of my limited capabilities I am still struggling to get the house tidy the way I want it. My children have their own lives and families and I pray they never experience the sheer soul crushing loneliness I am experiencing. I have asked them for help but that was a drop in the ocean. Next I paid for help but it got to a point I couldn’t afford that anymore, my neighbour and good friend helped as much as possible but it is not finished.

I still think that the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one… That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

Mother Teresa

I never thought I would be ignoring Christmas , no tree, decorations, or any celebrations, the reason is not just I feel my home is a trash heap, I think there is a list of factors –

1. The proposed move that didn’t/wasn’t
2. Cost of living is overwhelming me
3. Sheer loneliness
4. Worn down by life and getting knocked back each and every turn
5. Feeling let down by life and those I love( there is a whole story to the love saga but not today)
6. Inability to complete basic tasks on my own due to non-ability caused by domestic violence some time ago has worn me down

To reiterate, no my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, I will add not through the lack of trying

This year I have cancelled Christmas, I can’t afford it, I don’t want to sit alone with a Christmas tree in an untidy room, in a messy house. It makes it lonelier.

I definitely am not living my life how I pictured I would be this time last year

Before I sign off I have to say this is not a pity party. This is how many people have felt for years I expect. I just felt at 58 I was too young to feel so dejected, rejected, and disconnected from my family and life in general. I was the Christmas Spirit, the one that decorated, wrapped, sparkled and shone but I guess the cost of living has pulled the plug 🔌 and my lights have gone out

BUT

Bye for now my friend

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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