If humans had taglines, what would yours be?
If humans had taglines I think it would be interesting, would we actually get to choose them?
Would they change as we grew throughout life?
How honest would these taglines be if chosen by an individual?
Questions now are tumbling through my mind, so I guess mine would be,
I was hurt, I survived. This is me
Who do you spend the most time with?
I spend most of my time with myself, who until recently I actually didnt like very much. Then it’s a close call between my rather bad tempered, big on attitude rescue Pug who has suddenly become a senior at the age of 7, I am told this happens. So I guess he is now a grumpy old man. Very close on time spent with me is my son’s German Shepherd Puppy. Who can stand over the top of Frank the Pug and not touch his head, she is 6 months old. Have done all the house training, for the puppy my son is still learning. She has just started to behave a little better, after months of unholy words being uttered and being driven mad
Please be aware no animal was hurt in the course of living with me, my 31yr old son, yes well that’s a different story, I may dream of many ways to deal with bratty adult children but I couldn’t if I tried. He is 6ft3in and quick I am 5ft4 and disabled and slow,
I don’t spend much time with my son we clash, so if I had to pick a human it would be my carer Claire she is the only other person I spend a quantity of time with 24 hrs a week to be precise, and together we just laugh our way through everything. She is my best friend/carer/partner-in-mischief and keeper of official secrets. I mean we all need a Claire in our lives.
I just could not stand the thought of another raised voice, a painful moment, not being able to do the things that I loved. Always feeling judged, lonely, and unloved, no make that unlovable. It took a lifetime to tip me over the edge, but I slid into a spiral. I felt like was sliding and spinning out of control, my actions were not me but I just wanted to sleep, FOREVER
The safety net that I carefully had built to protect myself from harm, disappeared that day, non-contactable. No one was to blame but my own Mental State, I looked at the tablets and they just seemed to fall into my hands and I didn’t care about anything. The only thing that mattered to me was to take as many tablets as I could before I fell asleep and then I would be at peace.
In my sleepy stupor, I sent 3 text messages saying I love you, take care. One person realised it was out of character and rang me, my best friend, she had been out that day and missed my call but just received my text. She played Guardian Angel that day, calling an ambulance and rallying troops. I admit I was not grateful because I wanted to die, to sleep eternally. I was angry. How dare these people interfere with my wishes, they don’t know what has happened to me in my life.
Ok, so I am thoughtless, uncaring and selfish. I am weak, ungrateful and irresponsible. How dare I try to end a life that is so precious when people are trying to dearly hang on to theirs. I agree but you see this is where Mental Health issues kick in, I didn’t do this to come back on a cry for help, nor for a pity party. I am so tired of living in a body that does not function properly and a mind that is still troubled with PTSD all through domestic violence. I am not me anymore, I cannot do what I used to do and I am 57 not in my 80s yet. I have been like this since 2009, I probably have been in this spiral for a long time it just took a disagreement with one of my adult children and I hit rock bottom, and I lost sight of my light.
Now the aftermath of this is obvious, I am here unless I am a Ghost Writing this. got to get a smile into the gloom. I know I was in a bad way one of my daughters was with me and she said I was rushed into the resuscitation room and she was ushered into the family room with her friend. Quite matter of fact she informs me that is when the world stopped, for half an hour her head didn’t think straight, her stomach churned and she thought of her children. what would she say to them and time slowed to almost nothing. This didn’t affect me, strange because I love my children and grandchildren, but I had no emotions.
That afternoon and evening whilst the nurses and doctors fought to save me, something died in me, and what rose from the ashes of the thorns that had surrounded me for so long was a new understanding of the darkness that lives inside of us all. I never would have thought that I would ever have done something so awful as that when actually, my life was not even my own, pain controlled me, and memories stopped me from living my life. I had spent my life feeling unloved, no unloveable, where actually it was my fault because I did not love myself.
How the hell could I love myself when I never remember my mother saying a nice thing to me. Now I feel sad that I took that overdose, I feel for anyone that feels the need to reach for an ending to life, it’s not the answer honestly.
I kept being asked, “Did you mean to do it?” “Yes” is the answer
“Was it a cry for help “No” is the answer
“are you going to do it again” ” I can honestly say NO because it is, not my time yet”
From now on Domestic Violence, PTSD and disability and now the Suicide attempt are there as mountains I have overcome and this last experience I am still recovering from it. I just want to say don’t ever feel alone build a net make it strong if things are bad there are always people to ring or contact on the internet. I couldn’t list all that’s available just in the UK so just the NHS guidelines of where to go and the Samaritans are below. A search on the internet and you will find the relevant helplines for your areas and country.
Now I am the creator of a Bucket of Smiles and that is my theme from now on I want, no I will be making buckets of smiles every day to send out to share, look out for updates
Kim Louise is back and no longer wearing a crown of thorns that was placed on me as a child, and that has grown with me all my life, now the thorns have turned to dust and a beautiful wreath of smiling pansies and rosebuds encircles my head and a true smile I can wear, because let the haters hate be they Family, Friends or Joe & Karen Public. I have spent my life doing what has been expected of me, yes sir, no ma’am, always happy to help. when I became disabled suddenly, I was no longer useful, I couldn’t give lifts (couldn’t drive), couldn’t bake cakes, way too ill. the list went on. Now I am only going to do what gives me pleasure in life and what is good for me. Not on a selfish note just a self-preservation for my mental health. If I can help you I will, If I can say anything that might help I will, but no longer can I continue to be knocked down for other people’s fun.
Sending Smiles to you all
Kim Louise
Help in the UK
Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/
As someone who has had to change their name for safety reasons, I can honestly say it was a bizarre thing to live with. I felt lost and my identity had been stripped, as soon as it was safe I soon became me again, and although I had disliked my name so much growing up, I was so happy to regain my Kim Louise. Because this is me.
So staring at this blank screen is like staring at my life,
The past once so full and rich has gone, cut off with a knife.
A Metaphor you’re thinking for something I have lost,
No, my dear, I can answer, a knife, a boot, but a fist the most.
I am now invisable, a remnant of myself,
left broken and alone gathering dust upon a shelf.
Domestic Violence is a crime and should be punished I agree,
But with PTSD and left disabled, alone in another town why should it be me?
Bitterness has turned to please Karma where have you gone?
Have you abandoned me also? I have been alone for, oh, so very long.
Or do I not exist, from the time he walked out the door?
I want to be seen, my story told, no longer invisible, it’s time now to be bold.
Take a stand, well a wheelchair for me, Abuse and Violence needs to stop NOW.
I am but one voice lost , my children and I were moved safely somehow.
We are lucky, some are not, I am not complaining , I’m alive.
Its heartbreaking to think of those that don’t survive.
So if you have been affected, or feel the pain in some way
Don’t you think its time we stood together united have our say.
Man or woman it matters not bullying should be no more
Life should be for love and laughter, show hatred out, shut the door.
Kim Louise 2021
Hello, it’s me, wow what a time I have had. Would be good to say I enjoyed it but no the opposite is the truth. The story thus far:
After feeling drained and under the weather since Christmas, on a Sunday a few weeks back my girls had a disagreement, one more vocal than the other. Actually, if I am, to be honest, the one being very vocal, using extremely harsh words, and the shouting was awful and this aggravates my PTSD, I had to raise my voice to make her leave the room, which always upsets me and brings on headaches. Later that day I felt like a balloon burst inside my head, I heard the noise and slowly things faded away. I shuffled to my bed and spoke to one of my girls, then the next thing I knew I had Paramedics surrounding me. I found it difficult to understand what was going on or to make them understand me, I knew who my family were so why did they keep saying she won’t recognise anyone. Decision made hospital was required, that will stay with me as the night of the patient outpatient overload.
Worcester Hospital A&E was groaning, bricks and mortar being forced apart at every join, ambulances arriving, bodies piling, no room to be seen. Corridors full, Ambulances stood still, triage to be assessed whilst still on board. Nurses feet were dashing, Dr’s stethoscope flashing and x-ray hadn’t slowed down for hours.
I lay on this trolley saying take me home I’m ok, nothing wrong with me this day, my family just shook their heads and said mum just lie still. Hours passed trolleys moved, patients came and some they went. Still, I lay there, the nurse then Dr, CT scan I think you need, results come back you have had a little bleed, well that took the smile off my face and made me want to cry “not again” “I’ve been there before” but I smile and said what now then Doc, Admittance to the stroke ward when a bed is free but the hospital is busy not easy, so sorry, he said and I felt for the staff, deeply .
You have had a stroke – NOooooo I am only 51
No stroke It is an aneurysm(a blood clot) in an unusual place – wow I had this 8 yrs ago
it has burst no
this how the conversations were going and after 5 days I was allowed home with no answers and just a QE Birmingham app will follow this up now.
Stranded, Isolated, Scared, Concerned.
My discharge sheet is a bunch of contradictions and some bizarre medications that I definitely don’t take. So I wait for a letter with what may or may not be a ticking time bomb in my head. Because the NHS dying, the nurses are run off their feet and work long hours, lay quietly the conversations are amazing, one nurse left because she earns more in retail and working fewer hours, others work agency because the pay is better. A nurse travels from Bristol to Worcester several days a week, she is an agency nurse I will say a fantastic nurse at that. Where are our nurses? who knows. Our NHS is in need of some medical help, I met some fantastic nursing staff but when you there and A&E is overflowing literally out through the doors, both sides of the corridor is full and some of the side corridors it is not acceptable to the staff or patients.
These problems have been exasperated by the closure of local A&E department in other hospitals again due to the ever decreasing money pit available to the NHS.
The question I ask myself is who is to blame?
is it the Government should they give more money to the NHS?
is it the influx of immigrants putting a massive strain on an already tight budget?
is it the mismanagement of funds within the NHS i.e. too many managers, not enough workers?
There has to be a way to bring our NHS back to life. Peoples health is suffering because hospitals are not able to fully do the job they need to, in many cases its patch up and ship out, obviously, I am talking about my experience in one hospital and times I have been told of others having issues and Gp’s well that’s another story. ..
So here I am PTSD spiking, head is aching, snow is melting, and I am so so cold but I am going to leave you with a smile and just a thought, yesterday is passed, tomorrow is just a promise, but today is here so enjoy, I am so grateful that I am here and breathing.
#WorcesterRoyalHospital #hospital #nurses #NHS #stroke #aneurysm #PTSD
Too many ideas flood my mind.
I’m guessing it’s cause I’m sat on my behind
Words to be written 1000’s to pour out
|Then there’s the painting, drawing, charcoals, so many I shout.
Craftwork crochet? no knitting, no sewing I think!!
Oh, and scenes to make of miniature worlds fantasy to shrink.
Reading books stacked high, courses to start.
A language to learn, no I’m not smart.
All this time I struggle, my body it aches.
Stops me from moving, oh and keeps me awake.
My body is damaged, it doesn’t matter how.
Dwelling on the past won’t help now.
So, a bucket list firstly of what I want to achieve
A timetable, flexible so all projects have a chance to take seed.
The budget, beastly word but time to get tough.
I guess my finances need sorting, they do look a bit rough.
A calendar or diary for appointments and such
Well, I might get invited to lunch, you never know my luck.
What else can I work on in my aim to improve,
Oh no! Oh well, weight and how do I lose
I’m going to share my opinions on anything I like.
Customer service to memories of my Yamaha Bike.
The lyrics of a current favourite song or a film review
BECAUSE I CAN AT LAST DO WHAT I WANT TO DO…
Kim Louise 2016
Words from a domestic abuse victim, no not victim, Victor. Life suppressed for many years till now free but the body is broken and the mind free, no escaping so I thought, but there is always a way and this is my way.
Hello, Hola Bonjour and well Hey nice to meet you flat white screen.
This is not a depressing blog this is I hope a helpful one.
I am approaching my 52 birthday rapidly, it’s chasing me like a mad bull across a grassy field. But the bull hasn’t realised I have stopped running and am patiently waiting because ‘age is but a number’. I can’t stop time so no point trying. So I shall happily wait and confuse that poor old bull and enjoy my self.
Anyway whoever heard of a rather plump wheelchair user propelling herself forward to avoid a charging bull especially on grass. Not a chance in, well let’s leave it at not a chance.
I describe myself as a
Mum of many…VICTOR of domestic abuse….. now reliant on a chariot with wheels because of said abuse ….he may have won a few battles but I won the WAR… I survived to rise and continue to be a mum to my children…I am plump that is a rather funny word, I tried being politically correct, but have to say it how it is I am large, of ample build, yes I wobble when I laugh, yes, yes like a bowl full of jelly.
Truthfully I am ‘the one and only’ disabled diva with the imagination that could live with the Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts, I see beauty in everyone and spreading smiles across the miles is all I want to do. I am not a perfect 10(maybe double that) I cant ‘Walk on Sunshine’ anymore so I shall Wheel on Rainbows
This is my life past, take what you need and it might help you not become me, Either to raise you up when life takes you down or to help you see there is always light.
This is my life present come laugh and smile and let’s try new things cause today is our day. Yesterday is past, tomorrow is but a promise, but today, TODAY is here and now
Don’t forget life teaches us lessons for us to learn by.
See you soon
Bucket of Smiles 